The clock says it’s twelve thirty in the afternoon.
The horse calendar says it’s Sunday the 24th.
I remember the year changing to 2010.
I remember the weather getting colder.
I remember watching desert turn into
Dense evergreens and bodies of water appear.
All the same, I don’t know where I am.
I don’t believe this time, this place.
If there is anything I’ve learned about certainty –
There’s nothing certain about it.
I’m eating chocolate, drinking black coffee
Sitting in the rain waiting for the sky to fall
It all seems so small now – even if it isn’t.
How quickly I seemed to throw everything
I have ever owned
Into that truck and horse trailer.
How full of life I was, knowing my own self,
When I drove to get my horse, my best friend.
I could feel the bondage of an abusive relationship
Slip as we inched our way to this place.
I still have nightmares – all too often
Nightmares of him holding a knife to his throat
Nightmares of the exhaustion and pain
I still have nightmares – every single night
Of a beautiful horse moving through life silently
By my side, holding space for me to grow
And be strong, where has he gone now?
I look out my window, fleetingly, expecting
To hear him call to me – like he always did
When I called to him
(silence)
I do not know why I am so wrapped up in my head
Right now logic, who I call a dear friend and foe,
Is a thing of the past, who I’d love to meet again
But until then, I lock myself in this place of pain
I lock myself inside of this cave, in this place
Of memory and thought and wait it out
I have no idea what it means to step in any which way
What it means to count hours and days or whatever they’re called
My measurements are cigarettes, smiles, people and rain.
.
The horse calendar says it’s Sunday the 24th.
I remember the year changing to 2010.
I remember the weather getting colder.
I remember watching desert turn into
Dense evergreens and bodies of water appear.
All the same, I don’t know where I am.
I don’t believe this time, this place.
If there is anything I’ve learned about certainty –
There’s nothing certain about it.
I’m eating chocolate, drinking black coffee
Sitting in the rain waiting for the sky to fall
It all seems so small now – even if it isn’t.
How quickly I seemed to throw everything
I have ever owned
Into that truck and horse trailer.
How full of life I was, knowing my own self,
When I drove to get my horse, my best friend.
I could feel the bondage of an abusive relationship
Slip as we inched our way to this place.
I still have nightmares – all too often
Nightmares of him holding a knife to his throat
Nightmares of the exhaustion and pain
I still have nightmares – every single night
Of a beautiful horse moving through life silently
By my side, holding space for me to grow
And be strong, where has he gone now?
I look out my window, fleetingly, expecting
To hear him call to me – like he always did
When I called to him
(silence)
I do not know why I am so wrapped up in my head
Right now logic, who I call a dear friend and foe,
Is a thing of the past, who I’d love to meet again
But until then, I lock myself in this place of pain
I lock myself inside of this cave, in this place
Of memory and thought and wait it out
I have no idea what it means to step in any which way
What it means to count hours and days or whatever they’re called
My measurements are cigarettes, smiles, people and rain.
.