Surrounded by love
The kind with roses and chocolate
On plastic days
A two month anniversary
When he died
Spending nights with wine bottles
Meeting for lunches
She kisses her beautiful love goodbye
Kisses him and buys him juice
I leave another therapist
Another person I try to tell
Another hour I try to condense
My personal hell
Try to explain, try to show between
Sobbing and pride and strangers
Just how much it hurts
She buys juice
I buy a bottle
How many times can it be written
How many times will it take
for me to realize
that this continual exposure
is not what makes me heal
knife knife knife
the common thread
the common thought
sleep without waking
sleep without death
sleep without knives
screaming
hearts
try to explain try to explain
try to explain this pain shame
a broken window pane
to your mother who trusts you
when you tell her it was you
or your horse
or an accident
when really it was him
again and again and again
covering up, covering up
i am sick of covering up
they break through always
they break through and
fuck you and then
chuck you
when they're through
it's just what they do
a universal shoe
that finds a way to fit
wherever they want to put it
this waking up thing
this waking up thing
this pressure never released
this pain has never ceased
will it follow until I'm deceased?
this helping thing this helping thing
is digging into wounds
whose depths i could never
have understood
until now
this love thing
this love thing
with hands and holding
and back-breaking molding
this hope thing
this rope swing
this noose thing
like a diamond ring
this you thing
is a new thing
a long-over due thing
but i'm only a shoe string
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